I've been extremely nostolgic lately. I just read a bunch of old cards and notes dating from 2000 to now. It's crazy how much has changed. Just 4 months ago I was best friends with a girl who was one of the most amazing people I know. Now she's a shell of her former self and we hardly talk. It hurts so much to not be friends with her but she isn't half the person she used to be. I also discovered some old songs I wrote that are extremely emotional. One is to my aunt who is in jail right now. It talked about how much shit she's put me through in the past. I literally had to be the voice of reason in her life starting at age 12 because my grandmother was too passive and she would hardly speak to my mom. I feel like I failed. She still hasn't changed. There was another song to my dad. It talked about the way he treated me right before I came to live with my mom. I was 13 but he made me feel like I was merely 4. He didn't respect any of my opinions on life. A lot of people don't agree with my opinions and I don't ask that they do, but I do ask that they respect my right to have them. This is America after all and we're all entitled to our own opinions.

I've also been thinking a lot about who I am as a person. I am full of contridictions and I need to work on that. I am a really hard worker, but I can also be extremely lazy. I am extremely opinionated, but sometimes it comes off as snooty or bitchy. I care about my friends more than anything and will do almost anything for them, but sometimes I neglect my family. I need to work on the bad parts.

Is it crazy that I really love my job? I've worked in several restraunts, but Amerigo is different. I feel like I really mean something there. Like I'm not just some easily replaceable hostess. I take pride in my job and I'm dissappointed when others don't. I work my ass off everyday for them and I love almost every minute of it.

This summer has been a little surreal. With Geoff and Neill in Oxford it's felt kinda empty. I've made new friends that I love, but no one can replace y'all. Thankfully you're both gonna be home soon. July's our month anyway and I know we'll make it one to remember.

To my new and old friends (try to guess who you are):

You have inspired be to be more confident in myself by showing me the things I sometimes forget about myself. Our late night chats about work and music and life have really been helpful with most of my guy friends away for the summer.

You have always helped me to be more hardcore in everything I do. I owe a lot to you for helping me get through a lot of my emotional tyrades.

Gah what can I say? You are the best friend that I could ever have. You're there for me when I feel bad about running over a cat or lack confidence in myself. You remind me to be a better person. You also know when to just let me bake and you will sit there with me in silence when I need someone but I don't feel like talking. You're the only thing that has helped me keep some of my sanity these past months.

You have always been the one to keep me lighthearted. When I'm upset about something you help me by making a joke (usually at my exspence, which are the funniest). We fight but we forget about it in 2 seconds and we're laughing again.

I'm so glad we've gotten to hang out more this summer. You're a really awesome guy and so much fun to be around. I'm so glad you're a part of our little group now.

You give me a lot of tough love, but most of the time I need it. You have helped me through some really dark times in my life and I owe you a lot for that. We're both helpless romantics which means we both have a lot of heart ache but we help each other through it.

I've missed your tasteless sense of humor a lot lol. Someone needs to be here to make fun of really serious and somber situations. You being gone has left a hole in our summer that no one else can fill so I'm ready for you to come home.

You are the sweetest girl ever. When I first met you I thought you would be snobby and immature but you have more than proved that you are neither of these. You make work a lot more fun.

You're coming home soon so I guess I need to get it all out there before I have to pretend to feel nothing. I love you...like a lot and you think of me like a sister and always will. As much as I want you to love me too you never ever will. I'm just gonna have to watch you go from girl to girl the next one even worse for you than the last. And help mend your heart when it gets bruised and broken over and over again. I'll always be here for you even though it hurts me so much.

On a lighter note the summer has been great so far even though it feels like we're missing a big part of ourselves cause Neill's in Oxford. He's coming home soon so all will be good :)

I'm inside with my friends
We build fires and pretend
That the night could just bend on forever
While outside in the frost
Are the wolves and the lost
And we sing to the dogs or whoever

-Empty Hearts by Josh Ritter

That's what last weekend felt like....Like it would last forever as long as we were still friends. I love that we got to have a mini subsitute for a camping trip. It was fun. I'm moving in to mine and mandy's new apartment tonight!!! YAY!!! lol

I love you....all of us do....so be happy!!! You have more true friends than a lot of people I know. I would do anything in the world for you if it made you the tinniest bit happier. Just know that. Ok?

Your Favorite Song

Kathleen

all the other girls here are stars—you are the Northern Lights
they try to shine in through your curtains—you’re too close and too bright
they try and they try but everything that they do
is the ghost of a trace of a pale imitation of you
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
this party is made with the night air and the chance that a smile
will wind its way from your face to one of the boys in your line
you act like you’re hip to their tricks and you’re strong
but a virgin Wurlitzer heart never once had a song
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
and I’ll have you back by break of day
I’m going your way anyway
and if you’d like to come along
I’ll be yours for a song
I know you are waiting and I know that it is not for me
but I’m here and I’m ready and I’ve saved you the passenger seat
I won’t be your last dance just your last goodnight
every heart is a package tangled up in knots someone else tied
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
so crawl up your trellis and quietly back into your room
and I’ll coast down the length of your drive by the light of the moon
and the next time I see you—a new kind of hello
both our hearts have a secret only both of us know
‘bout the night that I drove you back home Kathleen

I feel like I've missed so much the past four years just because I didn't like being around my father. My Great Grandmother died Sunday and it makes me sick how little I saw her over these past four years. I still don't particularly like my dad, but he is my dad and I am going to see him and talk to him and be an adult. I've finally grown up...but it's a little too late for that. I missed four years with a woman who makes mother tereasa look like a heathen. I loved her and I think she knew that so I hope that's good enough.

:-:-Let It Be by The Beatles-:-:

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

:-:-ICONS-:-: